It’s 2:55 am and I cannot sleep, again… Nothing new, nothing unusual these days. The cycle of wakefulness has temporarily become part of my reality. I’ve learned not fight it but to go with the flow… Sometimes it can be soothing, as I build sand castles in the sky, but other times the anxiety attacks can be so severe that I’m left feeling exhausted for days at end.

This is the unspoken truth about the pre and postpartum, psychological ‘side effects’ of pre-eclampsia.

In our society today, mental health, is still a taboo subject. It seems, even less spoken about, is the temporarily insanity women can experience during pre-eclampsia and the long term depression, stress, anxiety and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) women are more prone to for months, even years, after this disease has ravaged our bodies.

Can you believe, that until less than thirty years ago, due to these side effects, women were hospitalised, even locked up in sanitariums! I have spoken to ladies, from different generations… One lady, 22 years ago, was hospitalised for 9 weeks after giving birth, kept heavily sedated, with no will of her own or control over her mind. Another lady told me that for 6 months’ prior to giving birth, she was kept in isolation, mildly sedated and feeling petrified, as nobody told her what was going on. This still brings tears to her eyes 50 years later… The most shocking story I’ve heard to date is a lady, probably in her 80s, who, after suffering with severe pre-eclampsia, were locked up in a mental hospital, by the time they finally realised she was completely sane, two years had passed, and that was the first time she met her little boy…

Thankfully times have changed and due to intensive research, the medical profession have realised that this insanity are definitely just another side effect of pre-eclampsia and that symptoms in most cases goes away postpartum. Imagine what it must have been like in the middle ages, as records show pre-eclampsia was then, already noted as a disease. But in those days, unlike today, it was believed that women were being poisoned by pregnancy, hence the older term used for pre-eclampsia, toxemia. I would not be surprised if women were seen as witches or possessed by evil spirits. This is far fetch, I know, but a lot of bad things happened to women back then!

In the case of pre-eclampsia and the lack of knowledge then, women and babies were left to die, as the only thing that can ‘cure’ the disease and save both the lives of mother and baby, is giving birth. This in the grand scheme of things, is a modern day discovery, but it seems still only privileged by women who have access to modern treatment. As sadly, in third world countries today, in areas of extreme poverty, women are still dying due to lack of efficient hospital facilities and medical treatment. Taking in consideration the mental instability some women experience during severe pre-eclampsia, I do not want to imagine how these women are being treated. As we know that unlike here in the UK and other advance medically educated countries, in other part of the world people are treated diabolically! We are very lucky to live in the UK with top medical education and standards. For this I am very thankful, without, I’d simply be dead!

Symptoms, signs and side effects differ widely from women to women, which I will discuss in more detail in my next post. In my case when severe pre-eclampsia hit last year, mentally, I suffered with psychosis and hallucinations for about three days pre and postpartum. The visions I experienced were so disturbing that although I can remember them vividly, I do not which to share these. Someone pointed out that it sounds similar to being on a drug fuelled trip, which thankfully I have never experienced.

However, the thing that bothers me most, is that until this very moment, not a single doctor or consultant has shown any interest in knowing about my experience! It seems, they think; they know it all! I feel that this little snippet of information together with other women’s stories, could be building a puzzle, one piece at a time to reveal a larger picture. Which surely would offer better understanding of the disease, the psychological impact and how to treat women successfully, before, whilst submitted to hospital and after. In my case people had to treat me with extreme caution and TLC. Not only did pre-eclampsia threaten my survival physically, I was fighting to protect Alexa. As in my altered state of mind I were convinced people were trying to hurt her.

After, if you go to your GP you get given drugs by the truck load, if you wish, which if you know me, I am not a great fan of. Regardless of the reason, we know that mental health problems are on the increase. But regardless of this fact, not enough time and money are being invested in providing help. But like everything else, ultimately, we have to take responsibility for our own physical but also mental well being. However, sometimes, we are not equipped with the right tools, we do not hold the right key to open the door, or should we rather say lock the door.

So 10 months after my ordeal, I am still fighting a mental battle. A battle I share with many women around the world, who survived pre-eclampsia. The support of family and friends offers great comfort. However, on the other side the medical profession is letting us down, especially those women who stand alone.

Please share your experience by leaving a comment below or send me an email at esmari@thealexatrust.org. I would love to hear your story and whether you experience/d stress, anxiety, depression or even PTSD. Do you receive help and how do you cope with it?

Image: Preeclampsia Foundation